The beginning

I was born in 1955 into a family that consisted of an older sister who was 2 and a mother and a father. I also was blessed to have a loving paternal grandmother who would shape my life in untold ways.

I did not know at the time but my parents did not get along when I was born. My dad had been overseas serving in the Military Police during the Korean War and had come home to tell my Mom of an affair he had while in Korea. Mom was already pregnant with me when she found out and stayed with my Dad because of that. Anyway, my life would be affected by that for a long long time, perhaps it still is.

We lived behind my grandmother's house when I was little. She was my refuge from the chaos of my family. I knew she loved me even though I never heard her say those words to me, and believe me when I say I needed to feel loved.

My home was, lets just say, rough. My parents fought...once when I was young I remember being awoken by yelling and heard my Dad throw a table through the wall. My sister and I huddled in the bed, scared. There was lots of yelling in our house. If my dad would lose something I remember he would line us kids up (I had 2 younger brothers now) and ask us who took whatever it was he had misplaced. When none of us knew he would start spanking us with a belt to get us to confess. I don't remember any of us ever confessing to anything...I just remember the fear, the pain, and the crying. There were so many of those times.

I look back now and I don't hate my dad, although for a long time I couldn't go visit him or anything without still feeling fear, or some other emotion I can't quite but a name to. He is dead now and I have come to realize he was so unhappy. He did not want to be tied to a family when he was. He wanted to stay in the military and see the world. I think he felt robbed somehow. He always wanted more out of life. Always looking for happiness beyond his small country house in Indiana. I now kind of feel sorry for him because he could have had happiness within those walls. I think I feel sorry for me too because I never felt the love of a Father.